Ray has officially been in Heaven longer than he was with me. That is such a hard realization for me. I knew this day was coming, but was dreading it. I think it is completely unfair that my baby died. I hate that he isn't here. I hate that I should have an almost 9 month old little boy. He should be crawling, maybe standing, laughing, clapping, playing "so big", and doing all the other things little boys should do. We would have been enjoying the weather with him. He would have been at his Daddy's first baseball game in 6 years this month. I shouldn't be heartbroken.
It's been a hard month. I've been exhausted and busy so haven't had time to write. Let's start from the beginning:
Mother's Day: We spent the weekend with my family in the Cities. We went to the Sugarland Concert. It was fun and heartbreaking at the same time. I used to sing Sugarland songs to Ray every morning. I think maybe he made Sugarland be in the Cities for Mother's Day. We walked the Ray's Run Route, as a family, as well. It was nice to be outside. It was supposed to rain on Saturday (secretly I was hoping it would. I didn't want to walk the route because I don't like exercise) but ended up being beautiful out. After the walk Adam and I went to Babies R Us to buy a few things for Stacy's Daycare. We picked out a SIDS monitor for her and bought one for us too. I had a panic attack in the store. I seem to be having more of these lately. My therapist says it is ok and part of grief though. She says they will start to go away eventually. On Mother's Day Adam and I got up early. My mom had bought us a plant (which has already died. I suck at plants) which is what we get her every year. We did not make a big deal out of the day. Then Adam had his first baseball game in 6 years. It was so fun to watch him play again. I couldn't help but think that Ray should have been there too, though.
May 10: Ray's headstone was put in. Almost 4 months to the date that he died. It is beautiful and very simple. I thought it turned out really well. My baby shouldn't have a headstone though. It shouldn't be there. My friend, Dessie, has gone to see him/it. She said it looks very nice. I am anxious to get back to see Ray, but at the same time it hurts so much to be at the cemetary and to leave him again.
May 14: We had our first big family event since Ray's funeral. My cousin, Sarah, got married. My whole Peterson side was in the Cities for the weekend. At the wedding Sarah had added Baby Ray to the memorial prayer. How incredibly thoughtful and beautiful of her to add him. Adam and I weren't prepared and both had to leave the Sanctuaray during the prayer. We both sobbed in the coat closet for a while, collected ourselves, and went back in. Adam had to leave after dinner to get back to work. We had our first "family" photo without Ray. I panicked again. My mom, dad, and I went outside after the picture and cried together. I'm thankful for how the extended Peterson Family tolerated me/us. They let us fall apart. Hugged us when we came in, and then moved on to dancing. I feel like I live by "Fake it til you Make it" right now. I haven't seemed to make it yet. But I'm trying.
This past week: Tough. I have a 10 year old patient that passed away. I loved when he would come to see us. I also have a classmate from college that lost her 1 month old son. My heart breaks for their mothers. I know what they are going to go through. I wish I could take their pain away. Austin's (1 month old) funeral was on Thursday. I told his mom, Jackie, that it would be the hardest day of her life, but that she would make it through it. I remember that day so well. I remember how empty/heartbroken I was. It is better. But it isn't gone. On Friday was my patient's visitation. I went to the visitation with my friend, Tessa. Tessa's Great. She followed my lead. I walked in right away. Went to his mom and started crying. I told her I know how she feels. I told her I am here if she needs someone who understands. We didn't stay long. I just couldn't do it. I felt like people were looking at me like, "Why are you so upset? You weren't his family". If only they knew where I was in my life. I got back into Tessa's car and panicked again. I cried with Tessa for a while. We drove back to the clinic and I went in to talk to Terri, my lead nurse, who is as close to a mom that I can get here. I cried with her, collected myself, and was glad I went.
May 21: Tracy came for the weekend. I'm so glad she was here. We didn't do much all weekend. As I was in the shower at around 3pm I panicked again. I realized that Ray died at 8:15ish in the morning when he was 4 months and 10 days old. I had officially had more time without him than I got to have with him. That realization broke my heart all over again. It isn't fair. Tracy was great. She sat with me while I cried and talked to my mom. I knew this would come, but it hit me hard. We went to dinner around 7pm. We ate sushi and had a toast to Ray. I miss him.
Today: So....Tracy just left. Adam is coming home soon. I don't want to be alone for very long today. I'm sad. I miss my baby. I miss my old life. I'm tired of this "new normal". I just wish I could hold my baby again. The emptiness is back today. Adam and I are going to go to a movie tonight instead of staying home. Adam is wonderful. He's so good at helping me through these hard days. He feels them with me and helps to have a plan in place to move through it. I'm not sure I will be better tomorrow, but I will get better as the week goes on. We are flying to Colorado on Friday for a wedding on my Young side of the family. I'm not sure how it will go. Will there be less anxiety or tears? Probably not, but I will have my family and my husband to help me through.
Ray-I hope you are having fun in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. We love you more than you will ever know. Have a good day, sweet boy.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Internation Babys lost Mothers Day
Bogus title? Supposedly that is what today is. Comforting? A little, but at the same time that is what I am. I have a baby that died. This is not the way I pictured my life going. Today is Ray's 8 month birthday too. Crazy to think that I should have an 8 month old. I shouldn't have slept until 9:30 this morning. I should have been up at 6 like we normally were. We should be playing right now. I'm sure Ray would have been crawling. We should be getting ready to celebrate our first Mother's Day together. Now I get to celebrate a Mother's day that revolves around having a baby that died.
I should update about Easter too. My family came and stayed at the Chase with me. Adam had to work. I talked to Adam about getting Ray an Easter Basket. We decided not to as we weren't going to be in Marshall with him for the day. I did get a basket for Sammy though. We call Sam, Mr. Monk because he sorta looks like a Monkey, but in a totally cute way. I found a basket that had a monkey on it for him. I went to the baby aisle at Target to pick out some things. I don't go in that aisle very often, but in some ways it is nice to remember what we lost. Anyway-Sam is learning so many new things. As his Aunt, I do what I can to give him things he should have (like diet coke and chocolate). Abbie just shakes her head at me. Secretly, I totally enjoy it! On Sunday morning we met in Mom and Dad's condo to "find our Easter Baskets". Yes...at 27 I still hunt for an Easter basket. I then went back to our room to get ready for Brunch. Usually when I am sad I will turn on the radio and there will be a bunch of songs that remind me of Ray. I like to think that this is his way of saying Hi and telling me he is ok. There were no songs Easter Morning. He wasn't there. It was the most lonely I had felt since he died. I called my parents who came and sat with me until I was ready to go eat. After I got off the phone on of "our songs" came on. I guess Ray didn't want to leave the big celebration Heaven has on Easter, but he still checked in with me. We went to brunch and had Sam sit on the Easter Bunny's Lap. I didn't realize how hard that would be for Abbie and the rest of the family. The last time Sammy sat with a character was when we took both boys to see Santa. Justin and Adam thought we were crazy, but I'm so glad we did it now.
It was a tough week for me. It seems like I have one good week out of the month and the rest are tough. This is better than one good hour a day or one good day a month, but it is still hard. I know I will never be "me" again, but I'm ready to not be sad anymore. I know that takes time. I know we will get to a point where we can laugh when Sam sits with the Easter Bunny instead of cry. Just not this year.
Stacy, our daycare mom, got her licence back...FINALLY!! We are so excited for her to open. She starts up with daycare again tomorrow. I had taken her an orchid last week. My grandma Nancy loved orchids. Now when I see them I think of her. She gets to cuddle Ray now, so it seemed fitting. Stacy took pictures of her daycare and put them up on facebook. She has Ray's Orchid sitting on top of a shelf in the daycare. It makes me smile to know that he will always be there with her. Stacy is amazing. Ray was so loved and so well taken care of at her Daycare. Every time I picked him up he would cry when I held him. If Stacy started talk to Ray he would burry his face in my coat and then look at her out of the corner of his eye and smile so big. He loved Mama Stacy. We do too.
I went to Glazed and Amused with my new friend, Heather (thanks Ray) yesterday. Heather also did CPR on Ray the day he died. I would never have spent any time with her if it wasn't for Ray. We took in his hand and foot molds to be painted and glazed. They are beautiful. She painted them in a Pearl White so they look almost Angelic, which is perfect for Ray. Heather and I had so much fun painting our pieces that we plan to go back soon.
Adam and I had our second of many monthly date nights last night. We have decided to go on a date the last night of every month (Ray was born on the 1st) and the 10th of every month (Ray died on the 11th). These nights are usually hard for me, but date night gives me something to look forward too. We had a nice dinner and then came home. We had a nice talk about Ray, our future children, families, and so much more over a bottle of wine. It is awesome to have these nights. It means Adam is home at a decent time and we get to spend some time together. I think we will continue these nights for a long time but hopefully they will become Family Date Nights instead of Adam and Erin Date Nights.
Back to the reason for this post. Internation Babys lost Mother's Day. Ray-your Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We miss you every day. You were a blessing in our lives for 4 months and 10 days. Happy 8 month birthday, SBR. All our love.
I should update about Easter too. My family came and stayed at the Chase with me. Adam had to work. I talked to Adam about getting Ray an Easter Basket. We decided not to as we weren't going to be in Marshall with him for the day. I did get a basket for Sammy though. We call Sam, Mr. Monk because he sorta looks like a Monkey, but in a totally cute way. I found a basket that had a monkey on it for him. I went to the baby aisle at Target to pick out some things. I don't go in that aisle very often, but in some ways it is nice to remember what we lost. Anyway-Sam is learning so many new things. As his Aunt, I do what I can to give him things he should have (like diet coke and chocolate). Abbie just shakes her head at me. Secretly, I totally enjoy it! On Sunday morning we met in Mom and Dad's condo to "find our Easter Baskets". Yes...at 27 I still hunt for an Easter basket. I then went back to our room to get ready for Brunch. Usually when I am sad I will turn on the radio and there will be a bunch of songs that remind me of Ray. I like to think that this is his way of saying Hi and telling me he is ok. There were no songs Easter Morning. He wasn't there. It was the most lonely I had felt since he died. I called my parents who came and sat with me until I was ready to go eat. After I got off the phone on of "our songs" came on. I guess Ray didn't want to leave the big celebration Heaven has on Easter, but he still checked in with me. We went to brunch and had Sam sit on the Easter Bunny's Lap. I didn't realize how hard that would be for Abbie and the rest of the family. The last time Sammy sat with a character was when we took both boys to see Santa. Justin and Adam thought we were crazy, but I'm so glad we did it now.
It was a tough week for me. It seems like I have one good week out of the month and the rest are tough. This is better than one good hour a day or one good day a month, but it is still hard. I know I will never be "me" again, but I'm ready to not be sad anymore. I know that takes time. I know we will get to a point where we can laugh when Sam sits with the Easter Bunny instead of cry. Just not this year.
Stacy, our daycare mom, got her licence back...FINALLY!! We are so excited for her to open. She starts up with daycare again tomorrow. I had taken her an orchid last week. My grandma Nancy loved orchids. Now when I see them I think of her. She gets to cuddle Ray now, so it seemed fitting. Stacy took pictures of her daycare and put them up on facebook. She has Ray's Orchid sitting on top of a shelf in the daycare. It makes me smile to know that he will always be there with her. Stacy is amazing. Ray was so loved and so well taken care of at her Daycare. Every time I picked him up he would cry when I held him. If Stacy started talk to Ray he would burry his face in my coat and then look at her out of the corner of his eye and smile so big. He loved Mama Stacy. We do too.
I went to Glazed and Amused with my new friend, Heather (thanks Ray) yesterday. Heather also did CPR on Ray the day he died. I would never have spent any time with her if it wasn't for Ray. We took in his hand and foot molds to be painted and glazed. They are beautiful. She painted them in a Pearl White so they look almost Angelic, which is perfect for Ray. Heather and I had so much fun painting our pieces that we plan to go back soon.
Adam and I had our second of many monthly date nights last night. We have decided to go on a date the last night of every month (Ray was born on the 1st) and the 10th of every month (Ray died on the 11th). These nights are usually hard for me, but date night gives me something to look forward too. We had a nice dinner and then came home. We had a nice talk about Ray, our future children, families, and so much more over a bottle of wine. It is awesome to have these nights. It means Adam is home at a decent time and we get to spend some time together. I think we will continue these nights for a long time but hopefully they will become Family Date Nights instead of Adam and Erin Date Nights.
Back to the reason for this post. Internation Babys lost Mother's Day. Ray-your Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We miss you every day. You were a blessing in our lives for 4 months and 10 days. Happy 8 month birthday, SBR. All our love.
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