Ray has officially been in Heaven longer than he was with me. That is such a hard realization for me. I knew this day was coming, but was dreading it. I think it is completely unfair that my baby died. I hate that he isn't here. I hate that I should have an almost 9 month old little boy. He should be crawling, maybe standing, laughing, clapping, playing "so big", and doing all the other things little boys should do. We would have been enjoying the weather with him. He would have been at his Daddy's first baseball game in 6 years this month. I shouldn't be heartbroken.
It's been a hard month. I've been exhausted and busy so haven't had time to write. Let's start from the beginning:
Mother's Day: We spent the weekend with my family in the Cities. We went to the Sugarland Concert. It was fun and heartbreaking at the same time. I used to sing Sugarland songs to Ray every morning. I think maybe he made Sugarland be in the Cities for Mother's Day. We walked the Ray's Run Route, as a family, as well. It was nice to be outside. It was supposed to rain on Saturday (secretly I was hoping it would. I didn't want to walk the route because I don't like exercise) but ended up being beautiful out. After the walk Adam and I went to Babies R Us to buy a few things for Stacy's Daycare. We picked out a SIDS monitor for her and bought one for us too. I had a panic attack in the store. I seem to be having more of these lately. My therapist says it is ok and part of grief though. She says they will start to go away eventually. On Mother's Day Adam and I got up early. My mom had bought us a plant (which has already died. I suck at plants) which is what we get her every year. We did not make a big deal out of the day. Then Adam had his first baseball game in 6 years. It was so fun to watch him play again. I couldn't help but think that Ray should have been there too, though.
May 10: Ray's headstone was put in. Almost 4 months to the date that he died. It is beautiful and very simple. I thought it turned out really well. My baby shouldn't have a headstone though. It shouldn't be there. My friend, Dessie, has gone to see him/it. She said it looks very nice. I am anxious to get back to see Ray, but at the same time it hurts so much to be at the cemetary and to leave him again.
May 14: We had our first big family event since Ray's funeral. My cousin, Sarah, got married. My whole Peterson side was in the Cities for the weekend. At the wedding Sarah had added Baby Ray to the memorial prayer. How incredibly thoughtful and beautiful of her to add him. Adam and I weren't prepared and both had to leave the Sanctuaray during the prayer. We both sobbed in the coat closet for a while, collected ourselves, and went back in. Adam had to leave after dinner to get back to work. We had our first "family" photo without Ray. I panicked again. My mom, dad, and I went outside after the picture and cried together. I'm thankful for how the extended Peterson Family tolerated me/us. They let us fall apart. Hugged us when we came in, and then moved on to dancing. I feel like I live by "Fake it til you Make it" right now. I haven't seemed to make it yet. But I'm trying.
This past week: Tough. I have a 10 year old patient that passed away. I loved when he would come to see us. I also have a classmate from college that lost her 1 month old son. My heart breaks for their mothers. I know what they are going to go through. I wish I could take their pain away. Austin's (1 month old) funeral was on Thursday. I told his mom, Jackie, that it would be the hardest day of her life, but that she would make it through it. I remember that day so well. I remember how empty/heartbroken I was. It is better. But it isn't gone. On Friday was my patient's visitation. I went to the visitation with my friend, Tessa. Tessa's Great. She followed my lead. I walked in right away. Went to his mom and started crying. I told her I know how she feels. I told her I am here if she needs someone who understands. We didn't stay long. I just couldn't do it. I felt like people were looking at me like, "Why are you so upset? You weren't his family". If only they knew where I was in my life. I got back into Tessa's car and panicked again. I cried with Tessa for a while. We drove back to the clinic and I went in to talk to Terri, my lead nurse, who is as close to a mom that I can get here. I cried with her, collected myself, and was glad I went.
May 21: Tracy came for the weekend. I'm so glad she was here. We didn't do much all weekend. As I was in the shower at around 3pm I panicked again. I realized that Ray died at 8:15ish in the morning when he was 4 months and 10 days old. I had officially had more time without him than I got to have with him. That realization broke my heart all over again. It isn't fair. Tracy was great. She sat with me while I cried and talked to my mom. I knew this would come, but it hit me hard. We went to dinner around 7pm. We ate sushi and had a toast to Ray. I miss him.
Today: So....Tracy just left. Adam is coming home soon. I don't want to be alone for very long today. I'm sad. I miss my baby. I miss my old life. I'm tired of this "new normal". I just wish I could hold my baby again. The emptiness is back today. Adam and I are going to go to a movie tonight instead of staying home. Adam is wonderful. He's so good at helping me through these hard days. He feels them with me and helps to have a plan in place to move through it. I'm not sure I will be better tomorrow, but I will get better as the week goes on. We are flying to Colorado on Friday for a wedding on my Young side of the family. I'm not sure how it will go. Will there be less anxiety or tears? Probably not, but I will have my family and my husband to help me through.
Ray-I hope you are having fun in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. We love you more than you will ever know. Have a good day, sweet boy.
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