Sadness and Excitment

So I've been a slacker lately.  I haven't updated since June.  Yikes.  There have been so many things going on here and I just have not had the energy to update.  So here we go:

The First Annual Ray's Run was held in Maple Grove on June 18th, 2011.  It was a very bitter sweet weekend for us.  We got an opportunity to remember our little boy, celebrate his life, and the lives of many other SIDS babies.  Along the course were over 200 pictures of Ray, some of his new friends in Heaven, and other family members and friends still here.  We told people to send in pictures of who they were running/walking for, alive or not.  After the run they were able to take the pictures home with them.  We had them blown up and printed on durable matt like paper.  It was awesome to see all the pictures of Ray mixed in with pictures of our friends and participants.  Right as the runners took off and the walkers lined up a HUGE "Ray of Sunshine" shone down on us.  I thinki it was Ray's way of saying he was proud of his family.  We raised $10,500 this year which we donated to the CJ Foundation for SIDS and the Minnesota SIDS Foundation in Ray's name.  After the run we had an after party sponsored by Finnigan's Beer Comapy at one of the local resturants.  The resturant came up with a special menu with items named after the babies we had pictures of at Ray's Run that had passed away.  It was awesome and exhausting all at the same time.  Ray's Run 2012 is set for May 19th, 2012 in Maple Grove.

The week after Ray's Run, on June 24th, we found out we are expecting again.  This is part of the reason I haven't had the energy to update :).  Baby Labat #2 is due on March 3, 2012.  I never imangined how hard and emotional it would be to be pregnant again.  It  is something that we wanted so badly, but each first with this baby has me in tears.  I remember how excited we were with each of those firsts with Ray.  Adam has been amazing, as always, and dealing with the emotional ups and downs I have.  Turns out with Baby #2 in 9 months you start showing much sooner.  Now that I can tell I am pregnant and I'm starting to be less sick I am starting to get more excited.  It's been a tough start though. I was much sicker this time around.  I ended up with IV Fluids around 9 weeks which made a huge difference.  We are one week away from starting our 2nd trimester and I'm starting to feel much better.  Around my birthday in October we will find out what this baby is.  I don't care what we have, and neither does Adam, as long as it out lives us this time.  Last week Adam swore it was a girl, this week he swears it is a boy.  He makes me laugh.  I have no thoughts either way at this point.  I tried to guess with Ray.  I tried to talk Adam in to letting me buy a pink sweater.  He told me we didn't know what we were having.  I told him I did know, I'm the mom, it's a girl.  The week after we found out it was a boy.  Oops.  My motherly instinct needed some fine tuning I guess.  Around 8 weeks pregnant this time my cousin, Amy, told us she was also expecting.  She is due 2 weeks before us.  Again, bitter sweet.  Abbie and I were pregnant together with Ray and Sam.  I'm glad this baby will have another one the same age that we will spend lots of time with, but I'm sad for Sammy.  He was supposed to have a cousin to grow up with.  Such is life, I guess.

August has been a tough month.  Adam's birthday was on August 12.  Last year on his birthday we had a full term pregnancy.  We were happy and had this whole future ahead of us.  We should have had an 11.5 month old to celebrate with this year.  Our Anniversary is on Monday.  We have been married for 2 years.  I think we have been through more in the 2 years of marriage than most people go through in a lifetime together.  It has made us better for each other.  Last year we decided to take a picture of our family every year on our anniversary.  We have started a "Family Wall" at our house.  The first pictures we added were of us, me very pregnant, on our first anniversary, a picture of Roscoe, and a picture of Ray's ultrasound.  We were supposed to have a little boy to join us in our family picture this year.  Now it will be just the two of us again.  Just not where I thought we would be.  Ray's first birthday is also coming up.  I'm really having a hard time with it.  On Sept. 1st we will be in Marshall having a birthday party for a little boy that should be here.  Instead I'm trying to decide if I want to decorate his grave or not.  Is it silly to decorate a grave for a first birthday?  I never thought I would have to make a decision like that.  I'm not sure how we will get through his birthday.  I know we will.  We have made it through 8 months without Ray and I never thought we could do that.

SBR-your Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.  We are learning to live again.  We are going to be a family again.  We wish you were still here to be a part of this new family.  I love you so much, Sweet Baby Boy.  I'll see you in a few weeks for your birthday!

5 Months...

As of today Ray has been gone for 5 months. Each month that passes I think more and more about how Ray never got to see that day. He never got feel what it was like to be 5 months old. It makes me so sad to think about how short his life was.

On Monday June 13th Adam and I will be on Fox 9 news for a live interview about Ray's Run and SIDS research/information. I am starting to think we were blessed with Ray and live in this heartache for a reason. Adam and I have the opportunity to share our experience and the info we nave learned about SIDS to a large market. We have more resources than most people do. As much asi hate that this is our life, I hope I will be able to help one parent realize that you can't stop SIDS. When Ray died I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I did something wrong. I had so much guilt. I have since learned that there are many misconceptions about SIDS. You can use all the "prevention strategies" that are marketed for SIDS and your child can still die. If I can get through and reach out to one mother and make them realize Thayer can't stop SIDS I will feel like I accomplished something.

The first Annual Ray's Run is scheduled for one week from today. It is turning into something so amazing. We have received over 200 pictures that will be blown up and placed along the race route along with pictures of Ray. We also have over $4000 already donated to the cause. How amazing to see all the support we have and all the people we have that remembering our baby.

Ray, I miss you. Your daddy misses you. Please try to help your Mommy and Daddy this month. Please try to give us some hope and a future again. Baby Ray, I love you so much!

4 Months and 11 Days

Ray has officially been in Heaven longer than he was with me.  That is such a hard realization for me.  I knew this day was coming, but was dreading it.  I think it is completely unfair that my baby died.  I hate that he isn't here.  I hate that I should have an almost 9 month old little boy.  He should be crawling, maybe standing, laughing, clapping, playing "so big", and doing all the other things little boys should do.  We would have been enjoying the weather with him.  He would have been at his Daddy's first baseball game in 6 years this month.  I shouldn't be heartbroken.

It's been a hard month.  I've been exhausted and busy so haven't had time to write. Let's start from the beginning:
Mother's Day:  We spent the weekend with my family in the Cities.  We went to the Sugarland Concert.  It was fun and heartbreaking at the same time.  I used to sing Sugarland songs to Ray every morning.  I think maybe he made Sugarland be in the Cities for Mother's Day.  We walked the Ray's Run Route, as a family, as well.  It was nice to be outside.  It was supposed to rain on Saturday (secretly I was hoping it would.  I didn't want to walk the route because I don't like exercise) but ended up being beautiful out.  After the walk Adam and I went to Babies R Us to buy a few things for Stacy's Daycare.  We picked out a SIDS monitor for her and bought one for us too.  I had a panic attack in the store.  I seem to be having more of these lately.  My therapist says it is ok and part of grief though.  She says they will start to go away eventually.  On Mother's Day Adam and I got up early.  My mom had bought us a plant (which has already died.  I suck at plants) which is what we get her every year.  We did not make a big deal out of the day.  Then Adam had his first baseball game in 6 years.  It was so fun to watch him play again.  I couldn't help but think that Ray should have been there too, though.

May 10: Ray's headstone was put in.  Almost 4 months to the date that he died.  It is beautiful and very simple.  I thought it turned out really well.  My baby shouldn't have a headstone though.  It shouldn't be there.  My friend, Dessie, has gone to see him/it.  She said it looks very nice.  I am anxious to get back to see Ray, but at the same time it hurts so much to be at the cemetary and to leave him again.

May 14:  We had our first big family event since Ray's funeral.  My cousin, Sarah, got married.  My whole Peterson side was in the Cities for the weekend.  At the wedding Sarah had added Baby Ray to the memorial prayer.  How incredibly thoughtful and beautiful of her to add him.  Adam and I weren't prepared and both had to leave the Sanctuaray during the prayer.  We both sobbed in the coat closet for a while, collected ourselves, and went back in.  Adam had to leave after dinner to get back to work.  We had our first "family" photo without Ray.  I panicked again.  My mom, dad, and I went outside after the picture and cried together.  I'm thankful for how the extended Peterson Family tolerated me/us.  They let us fall apart.  Hugged us when we came in, and then moved on to dancing.  I feel like I live by "Fake it til you Make it" right now.  I haven't seemed to make it yet.  But I'm trying.

This past week:  Tough.  I have a 10 year old patient that passed away.  I loved when he would come to see us.  I also have a classmate from college that lost her 1 month old son.  My heart breaks for their mothers.  I know what they are going to go through.  I wish I could take their pain away.  Austin's (1 month old) funeral was on Thursday.  I told his mom, Jackie, that it would be the hardest day of her life, but that she would make it through it.  I remember that day so well.  I remember how empty/heartbroken I was.  It is better.  But it isn't gone.  On Friday was my patient's visitation.  I went to the visitation with my friend, Tessa.  Tessa's Great.  She followed my lead.  I walked in right away.  Went to his mom and started crying.  I told her I know how she feels.  I told her I am here if she needs someone who understands.  We didn't stay long.  I just couldn't do it. I felt like people were looking at me like, "Why are you so upset?  You weren't his family".  If only they knew where I was in my life.  I got back into Tessa's car and panicked again.  I cried with Tessa for a while.  We drove back to the clinic and I went in to talk to Terri, my lead nurse, who is as close to a mom that I can get here.  I cried with her, collected myself, and was glad I went. 

May 21:  Tracy came for the weekend.  I'm so glad she was here.  We didn't do much all weekend.  As I was in the shower at around 3pm I panicked again.  I realized that Ray died at 8:15ish in the morning when he was 4 months and 10 days old.  I had officially had more time without him than I got to have with him.  That realization broke my heart all over again.  It isn't fair.  Tracy was great.  She sat with me while I cried and talked to my mom.  I knew this would come, but it hit me hard.  We went to dinner around 7pm.  We ate sushi and had a toast to Ray.  I miss him.

Today:  So....Tracy just left.  Adam is coming home soon.  I don't want to be alone for very long today.  I'm sad.  I miss my baby.  I miss my old life.  I'm tired of this "new normal".  I just wish I could hold my baby again.  The emptiness is back today.  Adam and I are going to go to a movie tonight instead of staying home.  Adam is wonderful.  He's so good at helping me through these hard days.  He feels them with me and helps to have a plan in place to move through it.  I'm not sure I will be better tomorrow, but I will get better as the week goes on.  We are flying to Colorado on Friday for a wedding on my Young side of the family.  I'm not sure how it will go.  Will there be less anxiety or tears?  Probably not, but I will have my family and my husband to help me through.

Ray-I hope you are having fun in Heaven.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.  We love you more than you will ever know.  Have a good day, sweet boy. 

Internation Babys lost Mothers Day

Bogus title?  Supposedly that is what today is.  Comforting?  A little, but at the same time that is what I am.  I have a baby that died.  This is not the way I pictured my life going.  Today is Ray's 8 month birthday too.  Crazy to think that I should have an 8 month old.  I shouldn't have slept until 9:30 this morning.  I should have been up at 6 like we normally were.  We should be playing right now.  I'm sure Ray would have been crawling.  We should be getting ready to celebrate our first Mother's Day together.  Now I get to celebrate a Mother's day that revolves around having a baby that died.

I should update about Easter too.  My family came and stayed at the Chase with me. Adam had to work.  I talked to Adam about getting Ray an Easter Basket.  We decided not to as we weren't going to be in Marshall with him for the day.  I did get a basket for Sammy though.  We call Sam, Mr. Monk because he sorta looks like a Monkey, but in a totally cute way.  I found a basket that had a monkey on it for him.  I went to the baby aisle at Target to pick out some things.  I don't go in that aisle very often, but in some ways it is nice to remember what we lost.  Anyway-Sam is learning so many new things.  As his Aunt, I do what I can to give him things he should have (like diet coke and chocolate).  Abbie just shakes her head at me.  Secretly, I totally enjoy it!  On Sunday morning we met in Mom and Dad's condo to "find our Easter Baskets".  Yes...at 27 I still hunt for an Easter basket.  I then went back to our room to get ready for Brunch.  Usually when I am sad I will turn on the radio and there will be a bunch of songs that remind me of Ray.  I like to think that this is his way of saying Hi and telling me he is ok.  There were no songs Easter Morning.  He wasn't there.  It was the most lonely I had felt since he died.  I called my parents who came and sat with me until I was ready to go eat.  After I got off the phone on of "our songs" came on.  I guess Ray didn't want to leave the big celebration Heaven has on Easter, but he still checked in with me.  We went to brunch and had Sam sit on the Easter Bunny's Lap.  I didn't realize how hard that would be for Abbie and the rest of the family.  The last time Sammy sat with a character was when we took both boys to see Santa.  Justin and Adam thought we were crazy, but I'm so glad we did it now. 

It was a tough week for me.  It seems like I have one good week out of the month and the rest are tough.  This is better than one good hour a day or one good day a month, but it is still hard.  I know I will never be "me" again, but I'm ready to not be sad anymore.  I know that takes time.  I know we will get to a point where we can laugh when Sam sits with the Easter Bunny instead of cry.  Just not this year.

Stacy, our daycare mom, got her licence back...FINALLY!!  We are so excited for her to open.  She starts up with daycare again tomorrow.  I had taken her an orchid last week.  My grandma Nancy loved orchids.  Now when I see them I think of her.  She gets to cuddle Ray now, so it seemed fitting.  Stacy took pictures of her daycare and put them up on facebook.  She has Ray's Orchid sitting on top of a shelf in the daycare.  It makes me smile to know that he will always be there with her.  Stacy is amazing.  Ray was so loved and so well taken care of at her Daycare.  Every time I picked him up he would cry when I held him.  If Stacy started talk to Ray he would burry his face in my coat and then look at her out of the corner of his eye and smile so big.  He loved Mama Stacy.  We do too.

I went to Glazed and Amused with my new friend, Heather (thanks Ray) yesterday.  Heather also did CPR on Ray the day he died.  I would never have spent any time with her if it wasn't for Ray.  We took in his hand and foot molds to be painted and glazed.  They are beautiful.  She painted them in a Pearl White so they look almost Angelic, which is perfect for Ray.  Heather and I had so much fun painting our pieces that we plan to go back soon.

Adam and I had our second of many monthly date nights last night.  We have decided to go on a date the last night of every month (Ray was born on the 1st) and the 10th of every month (Ray died on the 11th).  These nights are usually hard for me, but date night gives me something to look forward too.  We had a nice dinner and then came home.  We had a nice talk about Ray, our future children, families, and so much more over a bottle of wine.  It is awesome to have these nights.  It means Adam is home at a decent time and we get to spend some time together.  I think we will continue these nights for a long time but hopefully they will become Family Date Nights instead of Adam and Erin Date Nights.

Back to the reason for this post.  Internation Babys lost Mother's Day.  Ray-your Mommy and Daddy love you so much.  We miss you every day.  You were a blessing in our lives for 4 months and 10 days.  Happy 8 month birthday, SBR.  All our love.

Ray's Story

Ray’s Story written for Raysrun.org:

                On December 22, 2009 Adam and I found out we were going to be starting a family but our story starts long before that day.  Adam and I got married on August 22, 2009.  About a month prior to the wedding Adam started talking about having a family.  As weird as it is, I wasn’t sure I was ready.  He told me, “Erin, you aren’t getting any younger.”.  How could I argue with that?  We made the decision to “pull the goalie” as we put it, after Thanksgiving.  It took one month to become pregnant!  I immediately called my brother, Adam, and told him that he was going to have to “mix” me some drinks at Christmas because we weren’t going to tell anyone yet.  He said I had to tell my sister.  I then called Abbie to tell her the news.  She was so excited to know she was going to be an Aunt.  After a discussion with Adam we decided we would tell the rest of my family on Christmas Eve and Adam’s family in January when we saw them for Christmas.

                My family has a tradition of opening one present on Christmas Eve (ALWAYS pajamas).  I had purchased a bib that said, “My First Christmas” on it.  I wrapped the bib for my parents to open on Christmas Eve.  Imagine their surprise when they realized they were going to be having their first grandchild.  By the end of the 2 day stay with my parents my whole extended family knew that we had a baby on the way.  My parents have a hard time containing their excitement.  My father had emailed some friends of theirs in Marshall, our home town and the town Adam’s parents still live in.  We hadn’t told his family yet.  We had the fear that someone would run into his mom and dad and “spill the beans”.  We made the decision to call them together from Bemidji.  His parents were also very excited to learn that their first grandchild was on the way as well!

                In February 2010 my sister announced that she was also expecting!  We spent the next 7-8 months comparing our pregnancies and talking about the future our children would have growing up so close in age.  Abbie was 5 weeks behind me in our pregnancies.  In March 2010 we had our “big ultrasound” and found out we were expecting a boy!  Adam was elated!  We also found out that our boy had bilateral cysts in his brain.  This is becoming more and more common as ultrasound machines become more advanced, but is also a soft marker for down’s syndrome.  In a repeat ultrasound the cysts were smaller, but there was also an echogenic foci in his heart (a bright spot that shows up on a valve).  This is also becoming more common and has no long term effects, but is also another soft marker for down’s syndrome.  We made the decision to see a doctor that specializes in babies that haven’t been born yet and have a level 2 ultrasound.  As this appointment approached I became increasingly nervous.  At the appointment we found out that our baby looked fine.  We had a slightly greater chance of down’s syndrome, but didn’t feel any additional testing was necessary.  We were relieved with the results and starting planning for the birth of our son.

                I like to shop.  I might go a little over board at times, so it is a good thing I have an understanding husband.   I came home regularly with new toys, bedding, clothes, and baby necessities.  Adam would calmly remind me that I should lay off the shopping.  There would be plenty of gifts coming our way (and he was right).  We had a few baby showers during our pregnancy.  The first was with my cousin, Angie, who was due 3 weeks before us, my sister, and myself.  It was with all my aunts and cousins on my Peterson side.  It was amazing.  How often does it happen that your family gets to throw a TRIPLE shower for all the new babies?!  My co-workers also threw a shower for us.  It was so much fun.  We ate dinner and opened presents.  They shared stories about what it was like to have babies and watch their children grow.  As a new mom to be I was so excited.

                On August 30, 2010 I was induced due to a large hernia that I developed during my pregnancy.  We went in at 7 pm to start the induction process.  It is a long process!  My water was broken on August 31^st at 9 pm.  My epidural was also started at this time.  Ray Gregory Labat was born on September 1, 2010 and 3:09 in the afternoon.  It was amazing.  That night, while we were watching the Twins play, Adam looked over at me.  I was holding our new son.  He said, “Can you believe that 4 hours ago he wasn’t even here yet?  Our lives are changed forever now.”.  I had no idea how right he was at that time.  We left the hospital on September 3, 2010 and started our lives as a family of three (plus a dog).

                Ray was not an easy baby.  He had some issues with reflux and colic starting at the age of 3 weeks old.  He was the biggest challenge of my life, but I loved every minute of it.  I knew what cry meant he needed to be changed and what meant he wanted to eat.  Our first road trip was to Maple Grove when Ray was two weeks old.  Abbie was having a baby shower for her new baby to be.  Ray attended her shower for a little while.  Then Adam picked him up and made their first trip across town to meet some of Adam’s family.  It was the first time I had been away from Ray since he was born.  Our next trip down on was on October 2, 2010.  Abbie was in labor!  They had chosen to not find out what they were having, so we were all very anxious.  Samuel Bradley DeYonge joined our family on October 3, 2010.  We were so excited.  Sam and Ray were going to be the best of friends.  They were going to grow up together, graduate high school the same year, and be in each others weddings.  We had so many plans for our boys.

                The first holidays for both boys were amazing.  It was fun to dress the boys up for Halloween.  They had matching pajamas for Christmas.  We talked about how next year Ray would be running through the doors of my parent’s house yelling for Sammy.  We talked about how the next Christmas we would have to find a way to gate both boys in to open presents.  We talked about the future so often because we always thought it would be there.  New Years Eve our friend, Tamar, came to visit.  She cuddled with Ray and took some amazing pictures of him.  Ray was just starting to get over his colic.  He was starting to develop a personality.  He was babbling and giggling more often.  He would respond to us when we talked to him.  He would study and follow Roscoe, our dog, as Roscoe walked around the house.  I loved being a mom.

                On January 11, 2011 I had woken up Ray and taken him to the living room to get dressed for the day.  He had some time in just his diaper.  We called it “naked time” and he loved it.  He was trying to roll over to get at Roscoe.  Adam walked by him and he stopped everything he was doing and started at his Daddy.  He studied him for quite a while and then gave him the biggest smile either one of us had ever seen.  I got him dressed and started to feed him his bottle before taking him to daycare.  Adam came to say good bye to us.  Ray took his bottle out of his mouth and talked to his dad, one last time.  I packed Ray up for daycare and drove to Stacy’s.  I remember taking him in and telling Stacy that I’m sorry he was having a bad hair day.  Adam had given him a bath the night before and didn’t brush his hair after.  It was sticking straight up.  I gave Ray a kiss and told them both I would see them that night.  I drove to work after that.  At 9:30 or 9:45 a sheriff and pastor came in and asked for me.  They took me to a conference room.  They told me that Ray was found at daycare and he wasn’t breathing.  I said, “But he’s ok now right?”.  They told me it didn’t look good.  I ran out of the clinic with them.  I called Adam and my dad on the way to the hospital.  I told them Ray wasn’t breathing and they needed to come now.  Adam works 45 minutes from Bemidji.  He had to make that drive knowing that his son was dead.  Our families live 4 and 5 hours away.  They also had to make the drive knowing they were coming to see their dead grandson and nephew.  When we got the ER Ray was laying on a cot, wrapped in a blanket in his diaper (his favorite way to be dressed).  He was gone.  I picked him up and starting crying.  I asked my pediatrician what had happened.  He said he suspected SIDS but would not know until Ray had an autopsy.  We kept Ray all day.  The hospital had a photographer come in and take beautiful pictures of him.  We have 3D molds of his hands and feet.  They cut off a piece of his hair for us.  We had a prayer service with our families and then we let Ray go.  It was the first night I had spent away from him ever.  It was the hardest thing we have ever had to do.  Ray is buried in Marshall, MN.  He is buried at the head of my mother and father-in-laws graves.  Adam and I now have funeral plots on either side of him. 

                So here we are.  Three months after the death of our son.  A horrible disease called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome took our baby from us too soon.  We don’t get to watch him grow up.  We don’t get to see him and Sammy graduate from high school at the same time or be in each others weddings.  We don’t get to watch Ray go on his first date, or get his drivers license, or go to prom.  We don’t get to see him have a family of his own.  All the hopes and dreams we had when we found out we were pregnant are gone.  What has come of this?  Adam and I have the opportunity to increase awareness of SIDS.  To talk about a topic that no one does.  To help other families that lose their children to this awful disease.  There are no signs of SIDS.  We have no idea what babies will die and what will live.  As angry as I am that SIDS has affected us, I am lucky to have the people in our lives to make it worth something.  My goal is to help other parents realize that you can do everything right and your baby may still die.  It is not your fault.  SIDS happens.  It is unstoppable.  Ray’s Run is an outlet for us to remember our son.  It is also a way to remember all the other babies that have been lost to SIDS.  Thank you for taking the time to read our story and thank you for helping us reach our goals.

3 Months Limbo

3 months today. That is how long Ray has been gone. It seems so crazy that he has been gone for a quarter of a year. As I'm thinking about what to write today I can't think of anything. It's like I am in limbo. Not overly happy, not overly sad. What does that mean? Does that mean I'm getting better? Does getting better mean I'm moving away from Ray? I'm scared to get better and move forward. I'm afraid I will forget Ray. I know that isn't possible, yet I feel like it is. It's like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. At the same time I know moving forward is a good thing. It's some what of a relief to not be as sad. It feels like some of the weight has lifted.
At times I feel like I will never be me again. I feel like I will never be complete or whole again. I know some of this void will be filled over time and the hurt will be less. I hate the hurt, but at the same time it reminds me of what I had. I had a beautiful little boy who was starting to be so much fun. Ray, Mommy misses you so much. Your Daddy and I look forward to the day we get to see you again. I love you, Sweet Boy.

7 Months

I said to Adam this morning that Ray must be having a big party because he hadn't sent any reminders that he was here. I had a really tough morning. Mentally I am shot. I was helping one of the other nurses by bring her new patient back for her. The patient had a family member that looked familiar. We got to talking and I asked the family member where she worked. She said she was an OB nurse at the hospital. I started to tell her how I was there 7 months ago and had a little boy named Ray. She said, "You're Erin.". I said yup. She said her name was Kristen. She was the nurse that was with us the day Ray died. She was the nurse who cut his hair, made the 3d molds of his hand and foot, helped position him for his pictures, and held us while we cried. What a big gift Ray gave me today. Even as I write this I am crying. I gave her such a big hug. I told her that there are no words for how much she means to us. She gave us all she had on the worst day of our lives. She is an Angel in my book. What an amazing way to remember my Ray on his 7 month birthday.

We also received Ray's life insurance today. Ironic how 7 months from the day he was born we got the last piece we were waiting on for his death.

Ray, we miss you so much. Happy 7 Month Birthday. Mommy and Daddy love you!

Talk with Tamar

Last night I had a talk with our friend, Tamar.  She prayed on the phone with me because I was having a hard time.  We had a nice talk, but I was still struggling after I got off the phone.  It wasn't a long talk as she was watching the "5 O's" (her neices and nephews).  She sent me this e-mail this morning.

After I got off of the phone w/ you, Owen was concerned because he heard me praying w/ you. So I explained to the kids that you were sad because you miss Ray and that you really want to have another baby. He looked at me and said "Can we pray and ask Jesus to give Erin another baby?" I said absolutely so that's what we all did before bed last night. Owen started us off asking God to give you another healthy baby that you could love and that would make you happy again. So I have a new dose of hope for you today.... because you have 5 little kids that are all praying for the exact same thing. And God is Good! Have peace in that today! I love you so much!

It is amazing to think that a little boy can be so knowledgable.  Thanks Owen and the rest of the 5 O's (Olivia, Odessa, Oakley and Osiah) for thinking of Adam and I!

On another note: I listen to Pandora Radio every morning on my iPad.  I was listening to the country station today.  There was a song on I didn’t like so I changed it.  The next song was “Raymond” and about a mom who had lost her son, Raymond.  I thought…alright Ray.  I know you are here.  I didn’t like the song after so I switched it.  The next one was “Anything Like Me” by Brad Paisley-played on Ray’s video.  So said out loud, “Alright Ray, I understand you are here.  I just needed a little hope and it didn’t come.  I get it.”  The next song was by Miranda Lambert.  Didn’t want to listen to it.  Switched and “Stuck like Glue” came on.  At this point I looked up and said, “Really Ray?!  Really?!”  Silly baby.  He just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.  Thanks Ray.  Mommy needed that.

Negative

Well. Had my labs drawn today. I'm not pregnant. It was so easy for us to get pregnant with Ray. I wanted a baby so badly this time. I'm mad and sad and heartbroken. I'm not sure trying to have another baby is worth all this pain when it doesn't happen. I'm not sure I want to continue trying. I'm not sure I can go through the excitement of thinking we might be pregnant and then being crushed when we aren't. I feel like we have had enough heartache this year. I don't understand why we have to continue to go through this whenever there is hope of something good. I don't understand why my baby died in the first place and now why we have to try again and why we aren't pregnant. Today,I hate this. Todayi just want to give up. I don't know where to go from here.

Ray's Last Pictures

When Ray died the hospital had a photographer come in to take the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen.  These are our last pictures of our sweet little boy.  In one of the pictures is a gold ring they gave us for Ray.  I have since taken the ring and had my diamond from Grandma Nancy added to it.  I wear it every day to remember Ray and Grandma Nancy.  As I was loading this pictures today it brought me back to that place.  That place of sadness and loneliness.  Most days those feelings are better now.  Most days it almost feels like we never had a baby.  Then I look at these and remember Ray.  I miss him.  I wish he was still here.

Our first visit to Ray

We went to see Ray last Sunday. We stopped to pick up a plack that said "Perhaps the stars are loved ones letting us know they are near, by guiding us through the night.", and some flowers. We knew there were flowers still there from the funeral, so we also had a large garbage bag to clean up his grave. When we pulled up we both got very tearful. It's so hard to see where my baby is buried. It opens all the wounds that Ray dying left. It brought back all the emotions related to losing him. Adam had a hard time picking up the dead flowers, so I started. We cleaned everything up. We left the hockey pucks, baseballs, and football Uncle Adam brought for him. Uncle Justin, Aunt Abbie, and Sammy had brought a twins bear and left a card for Ray and us. Justin's mom had sent an angel with two red balloons tied to it. We moved everything to the head of the grave. We left our plack and flowers with him as well. Adam and I spent some time walking by our family members that are there. We walked across the path to the baby cemetery. We had a very hard time leaving Ray. It was the first time we have been so close to him since he died. Leaving him felt like losing him all over again. It was a very lonely and empty feeling again. I miss him so much all the time.

Ray, Mommy and Daddy miss you. We love you forever and always. I'm sorry we had to leave you again, but we will be back soon. I promise. Love you Sweet Boy.

2 months 5 days...

Baby Ray,
Today is a tough day for your Mommy. Today you have been gone for half of the time you were alive. Soon there will come a day that you have been gone longer than you have been alive. It's not fair. Life is not supposed to be this way. I'm not supposed to be mourning the death of my son at 27 years old. I am supposed to be watching you grow. I miss you, Ray. When I look back at life with you it seems so surreal. It's like, one day it was just Adam and I. Then you came along and our whole world changed. I felt alive and like I had a purpose. Now all of the sudden life is back to the "before Ray" normal. I can't remember how it feels to hold you. Or how you smelled. I hate that life moves on, because it pulls me away from you. I love you so much, Ray, and miss you every day.

How SIDS affects me...

Written for the SIDS walk in Bemidji, MN and for Ray's Run in Maple Grove, MN:

SIDS.  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Those were words I was concerned about all through my pregnancy and after the birth of my son, Ray.  Two to Four Months.  That is the highest age group that succumbs to SIDS.  Ray was 4 months and 10 days old.  The week before he died I commented to my husband, Adam, that Ray had passed the four month mark.  We could breathe easy again.  Ray died the next week.  SIDS took away the future I was promised with the birth of my son.  What SIDS gave me is an entirely different story.  SIDS gave me 4 amazing months and 10 awesome days with a little boy that was and still is the light of my life.  SIDS gave me a relationship with my sister, Abbie, that is stronger than ever, and that I really needed.  SIDS gave me the ability to cherish everyone in my life so much more, because I know they could be gone in an instant.  SIDS gave me a closer and unbreakable bond with my husband and I love him more for who he is and how he is dealing with the loss of Ray.  SIDS gave me the most beautiful Angel, and not many get to say that.  SIDS gave me an understanding of how precious life is, of how much I want and need to be a mother, and of how complete a family makes me feel.  These are all things SIDS can never take away from me.  SIDS can also never take away the love and memories I have of Ray.  I hold them close.  I think of him every day. 

At Ray’s funeral there was a poem read.  It is the epitome of SIDS.  It is the story of our life.  It is the story of our faith.

 A Child Loaned
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said.
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call him back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher's true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, They will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
Anonymous

Miss you baby.  Love you every day!!

Happy 6 month Birthday Little Man!

Today you would have been 6 months old.  I wonder what you would have looked like or what you would have been doing.  Would you have been crawling yet?  I'm sure you would have been rolling over and sitting.  You were so close to both of those milestones before you died.  I wonder how much you would have been laughing and talking.  I wonder how many new things we would have experienced with you.  Life with you was supposed to be a promise of happiness and now I'm sad. 

We are going to be letting balloons go for you tonight.  I'm sure it will be amazing as always.  I hope you see them.  I hope Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Henry are celebrating with you today.  I wish I could have been.  I wish I would have had the chance to watch you grow.  I feel like we missed out on so much because your life was so short.

Your Mimi keeps telling me to find the positives (not that anything is positive since you died).  So here are a few:  Your Aunt Abbie and I are much closer now.  Losing you has brought us together.  I have a better idea of what my patients are going through now.  I understand the feeling of loss and no control they have.  I experience it every day since you died.  I thought I could relate to my patients before, but I know I can now.  your Daddy and I are even better together now than before you.  You have tied us together for ever now.  He's one of the few that I can relate to now.  He knows what it is like to lose you, as a parent. 

Oh Baby Ray, I miss you so much all the time.  I miss your smile, your sounds, and your smell.  I miss how complete you made me feel.  I hope you have a good day today and I will do my best to make the best of my day.  I love you Sweet Boy.

Here is an e-mail from your Mimi for today.  A day to remember Ray:

Pooh says  "Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon” so we will send them to Ray and maybe we will all feel a little a moment of cheer!  or Ray may be saying my goodness my mom sends a lot of balloons and just like G-Ray I hate squeaky balloons!!!!  (this could be true hated the squeaky Sophie!!!)

 

  “Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his Bear(Sophie)will always be playing.” pooh

Bitter Sweet.

Well we are under way for planning the first annual Ray's Run to benefit SIDS research. Our tentative date is June 18th, 2011. Father's Day weekend. It will be bittersweet for sure. We will be planning a 5K run/walk in Maple Grove, MN.

I'm realizing that most things are bitter sweet in life now. We've had a hard week. I hate SIDS this week for taking my baby from me. I hate that we are planning a run to "remember Ray". Like we could ever forget him. I was in Nisswa with my family this past weekend. Adam had Eel Pout in Walker. It was our first weekend away from each other since Ray died. Sammy is officially older than Ray now. That was a hard realization for Adam and I. Ray was supposed to do all the firsts, first or with Sammy. We took Sam swimming. I'm so lucky to have an amazing sister, Abbie, that shares her son's firsts with me. She let me take Sam into the water while she took pictures. She shouldn't have to share these things with me. I should be doing them with her, Sam, and Ray. However, I love that she is willing to do that. Another Bitter Sweet in our book. Adam and I both struggled with the swimming on Monday night when we talked about it. My co-workers also got me a Lladro of a mother and child. It is beautiful. What I wouldn't give to hold my little boy again, though.

I had a really good therapy appointment this week. My Therapist pointed out that even though I had some tough days this week I am getting better and dealing with the grief. She pointed out that I can now talk about the future with less anxiety and worry than what I had a month ago. This is a great feeling to know I am making progress. I hate therapy, but I also love it. Another Bitter Sweet.

Today was the first day that I had some time that Ray wasn't on my mind. Tessa and I were working in our store room at work. It gave me a project, something else to focus on. I didn't realize I hadn't thought of Ray until I walked by my desk and saw his picture. Another bitter sweet. It means I am healing, which is great, but it also means I am moving on. It makes me feel like I am moving farther away from Ray. I know this will happen as our lives move forward, but I am grasping so hard to what I have left of him.

I hate SIDS

Hi Baby Ray. I miss you today. I miss you so much. I had a good weekend with your Mimi and Grandpa and Aunt, Uncles, and Sammy. Sammy is officially older than you are. He's rolling over from his back to his tummy and we took him swimming. I'm sorry you never got to do those things. It's bitter sweet to have Sam. I love that little guy so much. I just wish you were still here to play and grow with him. You family made a weighted "Ray Bear" for me. I laid it on my chest in bed like you used to lay. It helped take away some of the emptiness that I have felt for the last month and a half. The girls from work also got me a Lladro of a mom and baby. It is beautiful. It helps and hurts at the same time because I wish I could hold you like that again. Oh Sweet Boy, I miss you tonight. I don't know how to move on. I don't want to because it means life continues without you. I hate SIDS for taking you away from me. I know God's arms are so much better, but you were safe in mine too. Watch for the red balloons tomorrow. One of my patients and I are going to let a bunch go for you. I hope you like them. Mommy loves you, sweet boy.

Why My Life is Awesome

There was a post on the Baby Center site that encouraged us to come up with reasons why our lives are awesome.  Below are what I decided.  It is amazing that is such a time of tragedy I can look past the loss and find things that make my life good.
1. I love my husband. He is amazing and makes me laugh. He's my best friend. I wouldn't make it without him.  I'm lucky to have him to share my life with "for better and worse, in good times and in bad."
2. My family is wonderful. They are supportive and there for me always.  I am blessed to have 3 amazing siblings and the best brother in law (and Melanie too).  My parents are amazing people.  They are there for both Adam and I no matter what. 
3. My in laws are awesome. My father in law goes to see Ray every day before work since we can't. They take care of my baby.  There is no way to put into words how much that means to me.  My brothers in law are also there for us and available when we need them.  I'm lucky to have an amazing family that has taken me in.
4. I have a job I love and co-workers who have and would do anything for me.  Losing Ray was just as hard on my co-workers as it was on us.  They understand and are flexible when I need them to be.  They were all there for me the day Ray passed.  I can't thank them enough.
5. I have the best nephew in the world! He helps me heal and I love love love being an aunt.  Thanks Sammy!
6. I have a crazy, wild dog who sees Ray all the time (he barks non-stop. I like to think he is seeing Ray and barking at him.).  Roscoe is a special little guy.
7. I have amazing, wonderful, and talented friends who love me for me....and who I have never met (that'd be you, babycenter girls!)
After I had gone to bed I thought of a few more reasons why my life is awesome.  Here they are.

1. I was blessed to have the most beautiful boy for 4 months and 10 days.
2. Now I have the most beautiful angel on my side.
3. I will get the chance to have another baby that wouldn't have been a thought unless Ray died. This next child will be so loved and appreciated.  Losing Ray has made Adam and I realize what is important in life.  We will be the parents with big smiles on our faces while we have a baby that is screaming and we will love every minute of it.

Ray-Man-I still miss you.  I feel like I will never be whole again.  You are such a big part of my life and always will be.  I love you so much, Sweet Baby.

Valentine's Day

Hi Ray-Man! Happy Valentine's Day! Do you know it is MiMi's birthday too? You would have been the best looking Valentine I have ever had. I'm sure you would have had a party at Stacy's today. I would have dressed you in some awesome party pants. You loved your Christmas ones. Daddy and I had a very good dinner at home. Our first Valentine's Day without you. You know how much we miss you, right? I was looking through some of the things from your funeral and found this poem.

Little I knew that morning.
God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
For part of me went with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories
Your love is still our guide.
And though we can not see you,
You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Hope you had a good Valentine's Day in Heaven. We miss you so much, sweet boy.

Ray's Last Day

Written on Babycenter on 1/17/11:

It's funny looking back at last week though.  Ray REFUSED to go to bed on Monday night.  We swaddled him and I rocked him and he looked around and cried.  When we un-wrapped him and set him in his high chair while we ate he talked and smiled at both of us.  He was up 2 times Monday night.  Adam took one and I took the other.  He got some good cuddles in with Mommy and Daddy.  I woke him up for daycare on Tuesday morning and he had naked time and was rolling and reaching for Roscoe.  Adam walked by him and he stopped moving, stared at his Daddy, and gave the BIGGEST smile ever.  He also stopped eating as Adam left to talk to him.  We sang "Stuck like Glue" in the car like we did every morning.  It was the first day using his MyRide 65 and I couldn't get him out of the carseat that morning!!  He was looking at me like "Mom, what's your problem?!".  I dropped him off, he smiled at me, I gave him a kiss and told him and Stacy I would see them that evening.
Stacy came over last night for a couple of hours.  She told us about her morning with him.  She said she layed him down in her room while she cleaned up the kitchen since the other kids were rowdy.  He looked out her window.  She went back in to get him 15 mins later to get him and he was gone.  She tried everything to wake him up.  She called 911 within 4 mins.  She is a fabulous daycare mommy and Ray loved her.

Ray Gregory Labat

On 1/11/11 my life changed forever. I had taken my happy, sweet, smiling baby to daycare that morning. Dropped him off. Went to work. At 9:30 or 9:45 a sheriff and chaplain showed up at my office and asked to talk to me. They took me into a conference room and told me Ray was found at daycare not breathing. My response, "He's ok now though, right?" They told me it didn't look good. I screamed and started crying. They took me to the hospital, I called my husband, Adam, and my dad on the way. I told them Ray wasn't breathing. When we got to the hospital they were preparing me to see Ray while doctors were working on him. Being a nurse, I had an idea of what to expect. The chaplain opened the door and then closed it again. He told me they were no longer working on Ray. When we went in Ray was in his diaper, wrapped in a blanket, laying on a cart. I ran and picked him up. I remember looking at my pediatrician and asking him what happened. Why is my baby dead? He explained to me that there was no answer, but he suspected SIDS. When Ray was found (after only being down for 15 mins) he had no pulse. They were never able to get a heart rate back. His official time of death is 9:22 am. We were able to take Ray to the chapel and keep him all day. Both of our families live 4-5 hours away. We kept Ray until our families came. We had professional pictures taken, we had 3D hand and feet molds done, we had a piece of his hair cut off. We have amazing things to remind us of our son. There was a prayer service at the hospital and then we let Ray go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Fast forward to today. 1 month and 2 days without Ray. 1 month and 2 days since I last held and kissed my baby boy. 1 month and 2 days of feeling empty inside. 1 month and 2 days of talking about more kids. We are trying now. Ray taught me how much love I have to give. He tought me how much I want to be a mother. He taught me what life is really about. So here we go....trying for baby #2. Trying for a sibling for Ray.