Bitter Sweet.

Well we are under way for planning the first annual Ray's Run to benefit SIDS research. Our tentative date is June 18th, 2011. Father's Day weekend. It will be bittersweet for sure. We will be planning a 5K run/walk in Maple Grove, MN.

I'm realizing that most things are bitter sweet in life now. We've had a hard week. I hate SIDS this week for taking my baby from me. I hate that we are planning a run to "remember Ray". Like we could ever forget him. I was in Nisswa with my family this past weekend. Adam had Eel Pout in Walker. It was our first weekend away from each other since Ray died. Sammy is officially older than Ray now. That was a hard realization for Adam and I. Ray was supposed to do all the firsts, first or with Sammy. We took Sam swimming. I'm so lucky to have an amazing sister, Abbie, that shares her son's firsts with me. She let me take Sam into the water while she took pictures. She shouldn't have to share these things with me. I should be doing them with her, Sam, and Ray. However, I love that she is willing to do that. Another Bitter Sweet in our book. Adam and I both struggled with the swimming on Monday night when we talked about it. My co-workers also got me a Lladro of a mother and child. It is beautiful. What I wouldn't give to hold my little boy again, though.

I had a really good therapy appointment this week. My Therapist pointed out that even though I had some tough days this week I am getting better and dealing with the grief. She pointed out that I can now talk about the future with less anxiety and worry than what I had a month ago. This is a great feeling to know I am making progress. I hate therapy, but I also love it. Another Bitter Sweet.

Today was the first day that I had some time that Ray wasn't on my mind. Tessa and I were working in our store room at work. It gave me a project, something else to focus on. I didn't realize I hadn't thought of Ray until I walked by my desk and saw his picture. Another bitter sweet. It means I am healing, which is great, but it also means I am moving on. It makes me feel like I am moving farther away from Ray. I know this will happen as our lives move forward, but I am grasping so hard to what I have left of him.

I hate SIDS

Hi Baby Ray. I miss you today. I miss you so much. I had a good weekend with your Mimi and Grandpa and Aunt, Uncles, and Sammy. Sammy is officially older than you are. He's rolling over from his back to his tummy and we took him swimming. I'm sorry you never got to do those things. It's bitter sweet to have Sam. I love that little guy so much. I just wish you were still here to play and grow with him. You family made a weighted "Ray Bear" for me. I laid it on my chest in bed like you used to lay. It helped take away some of the emptiness that I have felt for the last month and a half. The girls from work also got me a Lladro of a mom and baby. It is beautiful. It helps and hurts at the same time because I wish I could hold you like that again. Oh Sweet Boy, I miss you tonight. I don't know how to move on. I don't want to because it means life continues without you. I hate SIDS for taking you away from me. I know God's arms are so much better, but you were safe in mine too. Watch for the red balloons tomorrow. One of my patients and I are going to let a bunch go for you. I hope you like them. Mommy loves you, sweet boy.

Why My Life is Awesome

There was a post on the Baby Center site that encouraged us to come up with reasons why our lives are awesome.  Below are what I decided.  It is amazing that is such a time of tragedy I can look past the loss and find things that make my life good.
1. I love my husband. He is amazing and makes me laugh. He's my best friend. I wouldn't make it without him.  I'm lucky to have him to share my life with "for better and worse, in good times and in bad."
2. My family is wonderful. They are supportive and there for me always.  I am blessed to have 3 amazing siblings and the best brother in law (and Melanie too).  My parents are amazing people.  They are there for both Adam and I no matter what. 
3. My in laws are awesome. My father in law goes to see Ray every day before work since we can't. They take care of my baby.  There is no way to put into words how much that means to me.  My brothers in law are also there for us and available when we need them.  I'm lucky to have an amazing family that has taken me in.
4. I have a job I love and co-workers who have and would do anything for me.  Losing Ray was just as hard on my co-workers as it was on us.  They understand and are flexible when I need them to be.  They were all there for me the day Ray passed.  I can't thank them enough.
5. I have the best nephew in the world! He helps me heal and I love love love being an aunt.  Thanks Sammy!
6. I have a crazy, wild dog who sees Ray all the time (he barks non-stop. I like to think he is seeing Ray and barking at him.).  Roscoe is a special little guy.
7. I have amazing, wonderful, and talented friends who love me for me....and who I have never met (that'd be you, babycenter girls!)
After I had gone to bed I thought of a few more reasons why my life is awesome.  Here they are.

1. I was blessed to have the most beautiful boy for 4 months and 10 days.
2. Now I have the most beautiful angel on my side.
3. I will get the chance to have another baby that wouldn't have been a thought unless Ray died. This next child will be so loved and appreciated.  Losing Ray has made Adam and I realize what is important in life.  We will be the parents with big smiles on our faces while we have a baby that is screaming and we will love every minute of it.

Ray-Man-I still miss you.  I feel like I will never be whole again.  You are such a big part of my life and always will be.  I love you so much, Sweet Baby.

Valentine's Day

Hi Ray-Man! Happy Valentine's Day! Do you know it is MiMi's birthday too? You would have been the best looking Valentine I have ever had. I'm sure you would have had a party at Stacy's today. I would have dressed you in some awesome party pants. You loved your Christmas ones. Daddy and I had a very good dinner at home. Our first Valentine's Day without you. You know how much we miss you, right? I was looking through some of the things from your funeral and found this poem.

Little I knew that morning.
God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
For part of me went with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories
Your love is still our guide.
And though we can not see you,
You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Hope you had a good Valentine's Day in Heaven. We miss you so much, sweet boy.

Ray's Last Day

Written on Babycenter on 1/17/11:

It's funny looking back at last week though.  Ray REFUSED to go to bed on Monday night.  We swaddled him and I rocked him and he looked around and cried.  When we un-wrapped him and set him in his high chair while we ate he talked and smiled at both of us.  He was up 2 times Monday night.  Adam took one and I took the other.  He got some good cuddles in with Mommy and Daddy.  I woke him up for daycare on Tuesday morning and he had naked time and was rolling and reaching for Roscoe.  Adam walked by him and he stopped moving, stared at his Daddy, and gave the BIGGEST smile ever.  He also stopped eating as Adam left to talk to him.  We sang "Stuck like Glue" in the car like we did every morning.  It was the first day using his MyRide 65 and I couldn't get him out of the carseat that morning!!  He was looking at me like "Mom, what's your problem?!".  I dropped him off, he smiled at me, I gave him a kiss and told him and Stacy I would see them that evening.
Stacy came over last night for a couple of hours.  She told us about her morning with him.  She said she layed him down in her room while she cleaned up the kitchen since the other kids were rowdy.  He looked out her window.  She went back in to get him 15 mins later to get him and he was gone.  She tried everything to wake him up.  She called 911 within 4 mins.  She is a fabulous daycare mommy and Ray loved her.

Ray Gregory Labat

On 1/11/11 my life changed forever. I had taken my happy, sweet, smiling baby to daycare that morning. Dropped him off. Went to work. At 9:30 or 9:45 a sheriff and chaplain showed up at my office and asked to talk to me. They took me into a conference room and told me Ray was found at daycare not breathing. My response, "He's ok now though, right?" They told me it didn't look good. I screamed and started crying. They took me to the hospital, I called my husband, Adam, and my dad on the way. I told them Ray wasn't breathing. When we got to the hospital they were preparing me to see Ray while doctors were working on him. Being a nurse, I had an idea of what to expect. The chaplain opened the door and then closed it again. He told me they were no longer working on Ray. When we went in Ray was in his diaper, wrapped in a blanket, laying on a cart. I ran and picked him up. I remember looking at my pediatrician and asking him what happened. Why is my baby dead? He explained to me that there was no answer, but he suspected SIDS. When Ray was found (after only being down for 15 mins) he had no pulse. They were never able to get a heart rate back. His official time of death is 9:22 am. We were able to take Ray to the chapel and keep him all day. Both of our families live 4-5 hours away. We kept Ray until our families came. We had professional pictures taken, we had 3D hand and feet molds done, we had a piece of his hair cut off. We have amazing things to remind us of our son. There was a prayer service at the hospital and then we let Ray go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Fast forward to today. 1 month and 2 days without Ray. 1 month and 2 days since I last held and kissed my baby boy. 1 month and 2 days of feeling empty inside. 1 month and 2 days of talking about more kids. We are trying now. Ray taught me how much love I have to give. He tought me how much I want to be a mother. He taught me what life is really about. So here we go....trying for baby #2. Trying for a sibling for Ray.