Bitter Sweet.

Well we are under way for planning the first annual Ray's Run to benefit SIDS research. Our tentative date is June 18th, 2011. Father's Day weekend. It will be bittersweet for sure. We will be planning a 5K run/walk in Maple Grove, MN.

I'm realizing that most things are bitter sweet in life now. We've had a hard week. I hate SIDS this week for taking my baby from me. I hate that we are planning a run to "remember Ray". Like we could ever forget him. I was in Nisswa with my family this past weekend. Adam had Eel Pout in Walker. It was our first weekend away from each other since Ray died. Sammy is officially older than Ray now. That was a hard realization for Adam and I. Ray was supposed to do all the firsts, first or with Sammy. We took Sam swimming. I'm so lucky to have an amazing sister, Abbie, that shares her son's firsts with me. She let me take Sam into the water while she took pictures. She shouldn't have to share these things with me. I should be doing them with her, Sam, and Ray. However, I love that she is willing to do that. Another Bitter Sweet in our book. Adam and I both struggled with the swimming on Monday night when we talked about it. My co-workers also got me a Lladro of a mother and child. It is beautiful. What I wouldn't give to hold my little boy again, though.

I had a really good therapy appointment this week. My Therapist pointed out that even though I had some tough days this week I am getting better and dealing with the grief. She pointed out that I can now talk about the future with less anxiety and worry than what I had a month ago. This is a great feeling to know I am making progress. I hate therapy, but I also love it. Another Bitter Sweet.

Today was the first day that I had some time that Ray wasn't on my mind. Tessa and I were working in our store room at work. It gave me a project, something else to focus on. I didn't realize I hadn't thought of Ray until I walked by my desk and saw his picture. Another bitter sweet. It means I am healing, which is great, but it also means I am moving on. It makes me feel like I am moving farther away from Ray. I know this will happen as our lives move forward, but I am grasping so hard to what I have left of him.