Talk with Tamar

Last night I had a talk with our friend, Tamar.  She prayed on the phone with me because I was having a hard time.  We had a nice talk, but I was still struggling after I got off the phone.  It wasn't a long talk as she was watching the "5 O's" (her neices and nephews).  She sent me this e-mail this morning.

After I got off of the phone w/ you, Owen was concerned because he heard me praying w/ you. So I explained to the kids that you were sad because you miss Ray and that you really want to have another baby. He looked at me and said "Can we pray and ask Jesus to give Erin another baby?" I said absolutely so that's what we all did before bed last night. Owen started us off asking God to give you another healthy baby that you could love and that would make you happy again. So I have a new dose of hope for you today.... because you have 5 little kids that are all praying for the exact same thing. And God is Good! Have peace in that today! I love you so much!

It is amazing to think that a little boy can be so knowledgable.  Thanks Owen and the rest of the 5 O's (Olivia, Odessa, Oakley and Osiah) for thinking of Adam and I!

On another note: I listen to Pandora Radio every morning on my iPad.  I was listening to the country station today.  There was a song on I didn’t like so I changed it.  The next song was “Raymond” and about a mom who had lost her son, Raymond.  I thought…alright Ray.  I know you are here.  I didn’t like the song after so I switched it.  The next one was “Anything Like Me” by Brad Paisley-played on Ray’s video.  So said out loud, “Alright Ray, I understand you are here.  I just needed a little hope and it didn’t come.  I get it.”  The next song was by Miranda Lambert.  Didn’t want to listen to it.  Switched and “Stuck like Glue” came on.  At this point I looked up and said, “Really Ray?!  Really?!”  Silly baby.  He just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.  Thanks Ray.  Mommy needed that.

Negative

Well. Had my labs drawn today. I'm not pregnant. It was so easy for us to get pregnant with Ray. I wanted a baby so badly this time. I'm mad and sad and heartbroken. I'm not sure trying to have another baby is worth all this pain when it doesn't happen. I'm not sure I want to continue trying. I'm not sure I can go through the excitement of thinking we might be pregnant and then being crushed when we aren't. I feel like we have had enough heartache this year. I don't understand why we have to continue to go through this whenever there is hope of something good. I don't understand why my baby died in the first place and now why we have to try again and why we aren't pregnant. Today,I hate this. Todayi just want to give up. I don't know where to go from here.

Ray's Last Pictures

When Ray died the hospital had a photographer come in to take the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen.  These are our last pictures of our sweet little boy.  In one of the pictures is a gold ring they gave us for Ray.  I have since taken the ring and had my diamond from Grandma Nancy added to it.  I wear it every day to remember Ray and Grandma Nancy.  As I was loading this pictures today it brought me back to that place.  That place of sadness and loneliness.  Most days those feelings are better now.  Most days it almost feels like we never had a baby.  Then I look at these and remember Ray.  I miss him.  I wish he was still here.

Our first visit to Ray

We went to see Ray last Sunday. We stopped to pick up a plack that said "Perhaps the stars are loved ones letting us know they are near, by guiding us through the night.", and some flowers. We knew there were flowers still there from the funeral, so we also had a large garbage bag to clean up his grave. When we pulled up we both got very tearful. It's so hard to see where my baby is buried. It opens all the wounds that Ray dying left. It brought back all the emotions related to losing him. Adam had a hard time picking up the dead flowers, so I started. We cleaned everything up. We left the hockey pucks, baseballs, and football Uncle Adam brought for him. Uncle Justin, Aunt Abbie, and Sammy had brought a twins bear and left a card for Ray and us. Justin's mom had sent an angel with two red balloons tied to it. We moved everything to the head of the grave. We left our plack and flowers with him as well. Adam and I spent some time walking by our family members that are there. We walked across the path to the baby cemetery. We had a very hard time leaving Ray. It was the first time we have been so close to him since he died. Leaving him felt like losing him all over again. It was a very lonely and empty feeling again. I miss him so much all the time.

Ray, Mommy and Daddy miss you. We love you forever and always. I'm sorry we had to leave you again, but we will be back soon. I promise. Love you Sweet Boy.

2 months 5 days...

Baby Ray,
Today is a tough day for your Mommy. Today you have been gone for half of the time you were alive. Soon there will come a day that you have been gone longer than you have been alive. It's not fair. Life is not supposed to be this way. I'm not supposed to be mourning the death of my son at 27 years old. I am supposed to be watching you grow. I miss you, Ray. When I look back at life with you it seems so surreal. It's like, one day it was just Adam and I. Then you came along and our whole world changed. I felt alive and like I had a purpose. Now all of the sudden life is back to the "before Ray" normal. I can't remember how it feels to hold you. Or how you smelled. I hate that life moves on, because it pulls me away from you. I love you so much, Ray, and miss you every day.

How SIDS affects me...

Written for the SIDS walk in Bemidji, MN and for Ray's Run in Maple Grove, MN:

SIDS.  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Those were words I was concerned about all through my pregnancy and after the birth of my son, Ray.  Two to Four Months.  That is the highest age group that succumbs to SIDS.  Ray was 4 months and 10 days old.  The week before he died I commented to my husband, Adam, that Ray had passed the four month mark.  We could breathe easy again.  Ray died the next week.  SIDS took away the future I was promised with the birth of my son.  What SIDS gave me is an entirely different story.  SIDS gave me 4 amazing months and 10 awesome days with a little boy that was and still is the light of my life.  SIDS gave me a relationship with my sister, Abbie, that is stronger than ever, and that I really needed.  SIDS gave me the ability to cherish everyone in my life so much more, because I know they could be gone in an instant.  SIDS gave me a closer and unbreakable bond with my husband and I love him more for who he is and how he is dealing with the loss of Ray.  SIDS gave me the most beautiful Angel, and not many get to say that.  SIDS gave me an understanding of how precious life is, of how much I want and need to be a mother, and of how complete a family makes me feel.  These are all things SIDS can never take away from me.  SIDS can also never take away the love and memories I have of Ray.  I hold them close.  I think of him every day. 

At Ray’s funeral there was a poem read.  It is the epitome of SIDS.  It is the story of our life.  It is the story of our faith.

 A Child Loaned
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said.
"For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call him back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher's true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, They will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
Anonymous

Miss you baby.  Love you every day!!

Happy 6 month Birthday Little Man!

Today you would have been 6 months old.  I wonder what you would have looked like or what you would have been doing.  Would you have been crawling yet?  I'm sure you would have been rolling over and sitting.  You were so close to both of those milestones before you died.  I wonder how much you would have been laughing and talking.  I wonder how many new things we would have experienced with you.  Life with you was supposed to be a promise of happiness and now I'm sad. 

We are going to be letting balloons go for you tonight.  I'm sure it will be amazing as always.  I hope you see them.  I hope Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Henry are celebrating with you today.  I wish I could have been.  I wish I would have had the chance to watch you grow.  I feel like we missed out on so much because your life was so short.

Your Mimi keeps telling me to find the positives (not that anything is positive since you died).  So here are a few:  Your Aunt Abbie and I are much closer now.  Losing you has brought us together.  I have a better idea of what my patients are going through now.  I understand the feeling of loss and no control they have.  I experience it every day since you died.  I thought I could relate to my patients before, but I know I can now.  your Daddy and I are even better together now than before you.  You have tied us together for ever now.  He's one of the few that I can relate to now.  He knows what it is like to lose you, as a parent. 

Oh Baby Ray, I miss you so much all the time.  I miss your smile, your sounds, and your smell.  I miss how complete you made me feel.  I hope you have a good day today and I will do my best to make the best of my day.  I love you Sweet Boy.

Here is an e-mail from your Mimi for today.  A day to remember Ray:

Pooh says  "Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon” so we will send them to Ray and maybe we will all feel a little a moment of cheer!  or Ray may be saying my goodness my mom sends a lot of balloons and just like G-Ray I hate squeaky balloons!!!!  (this could be true hated the squeaky Sophie!!!)

 

  “Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his Bear(Sophie)will always be playing.” pooh