Bogus title? Supposedly that is what today is. Comforting? A little, but at the same time that is what I am. I have a baby that died. This is not the way I pictured my life going. Today is Ray's 8 month birthday too. Crazy to think that I should have an 8 month old. I shouldn't have slept until 9:30 this morning. I should have been up at 6 like we normally were. We should be playing right now. I'm sure Ray would have been crawling. We should be getting ready to celebrate our first Mother's Day together. Now I get to celebrate a Mother's day that revolves around having a baby that died.
I should update about Easter too. My family came and stayed at the Chase with me. Adam had to work. I talked to Adam about getting Ray an Easter Basket. We decided not to as we weren't going to be in Marshall with him for the day. I did get a basket for Sammy though. We call Sam, Mr. Monk because he sorta looks like a Monkey, but in a totally cute way. I found a basket that had a monkey on it for him. I went to the baby aisle at Target to pick out some things. I don't go in that aisle very often, but in some ways it is nice to remember what we lost. Anyway-Sam is learning so many new things. As his Aunt, I do what I can to give him things he should have (like diet coke and chocolate). Abbie just shakes her head at me. Secretly, I totally enjoy it! On Sunday morning we met in Mom and Dad's condo to "find our Easter Baskets". Yes...at 27 I still hunt for an Easter basket. I then went back to our room to get ready for Brunch. Usually when I am sad I will turn on the radio and there will be a bunch of songs that remind me of Ray. I like to think that this is his way of saying Hi and telling me he is ok. There were no songs Easter Morning. He wasn't there. It was the most lonely I had felt since he died. I called my parents who came and sat with me until I was ready to go eat. After I got off the phone on of "our songs" came on. I guess Ray didn't want to leave the big celebration Heaven has on Easter, but he still checked in with me. We went to brunch and had Sam sit on the Easter Bunny's Lap. I didn't realize how hard that would be for Abbie and the rest of the family. The last time Sammy sat with a character was when we took both boys to see Santa. Justin and Adam thought we were crazy, but I'm so glad we did it now.
It was a tough week for me. It seems like I have one good week out of the month and the rest are tough. This is better than one good hour a day or one good day a month, but it is still hard. I know I will never be "me" again, but I'm ready to not be sad anymore. I know that takes time. I know we will get to a point where we can laugh when Sam sits with the Easter Bunny instead of cry. Just not this year.
Stacy, our daycare mom, got her licence back...FINALLY!! We are so excited for her to open. She starts up with daycare again tomorrow. I had taken her an orchid last week. My grandma Nancy loved orchids. Now when I see them I think of her. She gets to cuddle Ray now, so it seemed fitting. Stacy took pictures of her daycare and put them up on facebook. She has Ray's Orchid sitting on top of a shelf in the daycare. It makes me smile to know that he will always be there with her. Stacy is amazing. Ray was so loved and so well taken care of at her Daycare. Every time I picked him up he would cry when I held him. If Stacy started talk to Ray he would burry his face in my coat and then look at her out of the corner of his eye and smile so big. He loved Mama Stacy. We do too.
I went to Glazed and Amused with my new friend, Heather (thanks Ray) yesterday. Heather also did CPR on Ray the day he died. I would never have spent any time with her if it wasn't for Ray. We took in his hand and foot molds to be painted and glazed. They are beautiful. She painted them in a Pearl White so they look almost Angelic, which is perfect for Ray. Heather and I had so much fun painting our pieces that we plan to go back soon.
Adam and I had our second of many monthly date nights last night. We have decided to go on a date the last night of every month (Ray was born on the 1st) and the 10th of every month (Ray died on the 11th). These nights are usually hard for me, but date night gives me something to look forward too. We had a nice dinner and then came home. We had a nice talk about Ray, our future children, families, and so much more over a bottle of wine. It is awesome to have these nights. It means Adam is home at a decent time and we get to spend some time together. I think we will continue these nights for a long time but hopefully they will become Family Date Nights instead of Adam and Erin Date Nights.
Back to the reason for this post. Internation Babys lost Mother's Day. Ray-your Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We miss you every day. You were a blessing in our lives for 4 months and 10 days. Happy 8 month birthday, SBR. All our love.
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