3 months today. That is how long Ray has been gone. It seems so crazy that he has been gone for a quarter of a year. As I'm thinking about what to write today I can't think of anything. It's like I am in limbo. Not overly happy, not overly sad. What does that mean? Does that mean I'm getting better? Does getting better mean I'm moving away from Ray? I'm scared to get better and move forward. I'm afraid I will forget Ray. I know that isn't possible, yet I feel like it is. It's like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. At the same time I know moving forward is a good thing. It's some what of a relief to not be as sad. It feels like some of the weight has lifted.
At times I feel like I will never be me again. I feel like I will never be complete or whole again. I know some of this void will be filled over time and the hurt will be less. I hate the hurt, but at the same time it reminds me of what I had. I had a beautiful little boy who was starting to be so much fun. Ray, Mommy misses you so much. Your Daddy and I look forward to the day we get to see you again. I love you, Sweet Boy.
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